Why We Project Our Feelings Onto Others (And How to Stop)

Taking Responsibility for Your Emotions

Have you ever met someone and felt they didn’t like you?

Do you find yourself blaming or being overly critical towards others? These are signs of projection, and we’re all guilty of it.

Projection is when we unconsciously attribute our emotions, impulses, and thoughts to others.

When we project, we avoid taking responsibility for our emotions by deflecting them onto someone else. These feelings are often too hard to bear.

For example, someone makes a mistake at work, and you become triggered and lash out. In that moment, you might blame them for your anger and not consider the bigger picture of what could have happened.

Projection focuses on what others are doing, which we can’t control, rather than our feelings.

Another example is a person who is cheating accusing their partner of cheating. Because they can’t deal with their thoughts of cheating, they start to project their thoughts onto their partner.

How to Spot When Someone is Projecting

Everyone is capable of projection, and it can be challenging to know when someone is projecting on us.

Most times, people aren’t even aware that they are projecting. So here are a few signs to look out for:

Accusations

People who are projecting may make accusations without being able to provide any clear evidence that supports what they said.

Defensiveness

When someone gets defensive or angry in a way that is out of proportion with the situation, they could be projecting their fears onto you.

Invalidation

People who are projecting have difficulty acknowledging their emotions. They may become dismissive or criticize you.

Lack of responsibility

When someone is projecting, they’re experiencing intense emotions that are difficult to handle.

This makes it hard for them to understand the situation, making it challenging to accept responsibility for the behaviour.

How to Stop Projecting

It’s human nature to avoid pain, so when it comes to projecting, it’s easy for us to do it because our feelings are too tough to handle.

Becoming aware of whenever you’re projecting a specific emotion onto others is important. Here are some ways you can make a conscious effort to stop projecting.

Notice and question your assumptions

You have to become aware of how fast you judge others. It’s easy for us to assume and make judgments about what other people are thinking.

Take a moment to pause and question if you truly understand a person’s experience or feelings.

Be aware of your strong reactions

Imagine you’re at the office, and a colleague gives you negative feedback on a task. Immediately, you develop a story that they don’t like you without any basis for such a conclusion.

Before you react, take a moment to consider where this perception might be coming from. Ask yourself questions about the facts that would confirm or deny your judgment.

Build awareness of “you” statements

Take note of when you’re coming up with narratives of what someone else thinks. Catch yourself in the action. You might say things like:

“You never listen to me”

“You’re always defensive”

These statements can be a sign of you projecting your emotions onto the other person.

Because at the end of the day, we can’t ever know what another person is thinking unless they tell us.

So before you judge, analyze the situation.

Be direct and honest

Talk about how the situation made you feel without criticizing or launching an attack on the other person. Communicate openly and assertively.

Know your insecurities

“Know Thyself” is an ancient quote from Socrates. What this means is that we need to develop a level of self-awareness of who we are including our insecurities.

So, take notes of areas in your life that you’re struggling with.

Maybe you don’t feel confident in yourself, or you’re dealing with imposter syndrome.

Maybe you feel like a bad friend or partner. Whatever the feelings are, you’ll need to confront and address them.

Whenever you arrive at an assumption, consider what the belief is behind that thought.

Why do you think that stranger didn’t like you?

Why do you think that person responded that way?

Are they out to get you, or is your mind messing with you?

Think through the situation and try not to blame anyone for why you feel that way.

How to Defend Yourself Against Projection

To defend yourself against projection, you need to control how you respond to other people’s reactions.

Projection can be hard to handle, especially when it’s coming from an important figure in your life.

Here’s how you can defend yourself when you suspect someone is projecting on you:

Ask Questions: Get to the heart of the matter by asking questions to try and understand the other person’s perspective.

You might say something like, “Please I don’t get it, help me understand.” This will buy time for them to cool down and neutralize the situation.

Acknowledge their feelings and share your own: Let them understand what your thoughts are on the situation.

Calmly disagree: Let them know you disagree and ask if they’re open to settling things honestly.

End the conversation: When things are getting too intense, stop the conversation. You can talk to the person later when you’re both feeling better and can express your views well.

Takeaway

Experiencing certain emotions, thoughts, and impulses can be difficult to handle. This is why people use projection as a coping mechanism.

But projection can damage our sense of self and relationships. So, we need to be aware of it in ourselves and others.

Question your beliefs about people, and don’t jump to conclusions.

Sometimes, your assumptions might be correct. But it’s good to consider if you’re projecting an insecurity in that situation.

Doing this can improve your awareness, communication, and relationships with yourself and others.

See you next time. Stay blessed!